The way they make it

11.09.2012

В колонках играет - Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds – O Children
Настроение сейчас - fucked up and thoughtful

This one is going to be in English.
Because I just suddenly felt like it and I honestly don't really want each reader to unerstand
Or maybe, I want no one to. It is a bit of my weakness which I usually don't like revealing... but it's a certain problem which has been following me through my entire life, and it pisses me off.
My question is. How does one stop being socially awkward, begins a normal succesful life and has no problems in communicating with other people?
I was always in the ass of the society and never had a lot of friends, or mates, never communicated with a lot of people, and always was lacking attention. Now that I admit it...
Maybe it's just selfishness, but I'll be straightforward - somewhere deep in my heart, I always wanted a lot of attention from people. I wanted some sort of fame. Just for at least one day of my life, I would like to have everyone's attention on me - everyone would want to be my friend or my mate, talk to me, be like me, and I would be oh so very proud of myself. Not arrogant, though.
And my life was always, always the fucking opposite. I seem to present myself in such a freaking way that I don't even-
I'm lacking words here.
Oh, and relationships. Of course relationships.
If I am at once lucky to find someone who likes me and who I like - once I start falling in love - SOMETHING BAD suddenly fucking has to happen, and they just leave me fucked up on my own with my freaking loneliness.
And look at my "friends". Oh, those people.
How did I even come to call them that?
Fuck you! Fuck you, life!
Shit, maybe I need to visit a psychologist?
But leave this. This is so long passed I don't even want to talk about it.
How about then - me always fucking up new opportunities? I had oh such a chance to start a new life, a new beginning. And I fucked it up. Why? BECAUSE I'M SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE! THAT'S WHY!
Because there's always seems to be something I do wrong with people, go the wrong road, shit, I can't even make a conversation, I can't do anything anything anything at all that will make people have a good opinion on me.
That's why I want it so much. People's attention. Because I want to GET something in return from people to whom I've always been GIVING something.
Those fancy people who are popular in their societies, actors, actresses, someone freaking else - tell me, how do you do it? How do you make yourself seem so good? I am jealous of you. And I hate myself for this.
Now that this is over, I can go to sleep.