translation hardnesses

11.09.2012

Much vanishes completely... For someone it is memory, for someone it is money, for the some people time... For me basically friends... Why so all turns out, that when accept drugs you lose a reality... You Lose a thread for which it is possible to grasp and get out outside. Why the person cannot submit a hand to the friend who to you will help to get out of this bog. Probably because you do not wish to deliver difficulty to another. And even if it is assured{confident}, what the person with pleasure will help you, think, and whether costs, in fact it is your problems, what for to deliver inconveniences another? And it leads to that you do not talk to anybody from friends, become closed in itself and feel a pain, that can tell nobody about this pain... Sympathy... How many in this word, empathy... This all concerns to two people dividing a pain each other... Why and what for to undermine trust? Nobody will give the answer, being afraid, that will not understand us... For certain we met people, which use you to be cried in a vest... It is not pleasant to much... And I love it... I do not know why, simply I like to console... To me it is pleasant, that the person has addressed to me for the help... Let at times I sometimes do not help how should... But I do everything, that in my forces... But I do not like to be cried on shoulder to another... I am all at myself...
Where that place where for me wait and do not ask, where I vanish... It not the house... These are hearts of friends, my friends... Why I began to push away all from myself... I know why - I consider myself not worthy their light friendship. Someone will tell to me to hammer on everything, but I shall answer - was not present. The life is short, and there is only a sense in death... Death for someone. To die in the name of itself - useless death. I was treated two months and did not go on employment... As I was silly... As I could not understand what to remove date of death - not in my rules. Probably has worked an instinct of self-preservation. I said lies to parents that I go on employment, and now I say lies... And itself secretly I go on treatment... I have realized horror which I have created... I have deprived with myself the future and the present, having left the past in empty droppers and syringes... Has senselessly wasted time... Now I disappear at myself, in a dark room, with dark curtains, having compressed on a bed and I spill infinite tears... I do not answer calls of favourite friends... I not from a harm... Probably, I want that in their eyes I became any dust of a society that of it was not so sick me to lose... No, I shall not die... So doctors have told to me... Have told, that I shall live long... Why nobody can understand, that meaning of the life in time which you have lived, and in that you have made. I have not made anything. I did not sow goods... I sowed only angrily and destructions... I have delivered Much trouble... But tried to be kind to all... What for me waits ahead? Absolute uncertainty... I shall fill up session... What further? Work with fine earnings? A grey life... Also I am guilty in all and my illness... Each person reflects on the origin, what for it was born, with what purpose. And I too thought of it. But I and have not found myself in this life. My life - a twilight wood... Where does not fall rays of light... Where I wander in darkness, in fear and a hopelessness... Many name it depression... No, it not depression, is my life... How many I know people, which lived as... They lived not for long, but have found the way... A way from a twilight wood, on a lunar glade where they also are based, found happiness...
The future is always foggy... That I shall tell to parents.. What was I treated instead of study? They do not approve it... They wish to see in me the successful, developed and successful person... But I cannot be such... It is simple I can not... I can become someone... But above a head never I shall jump...
I do not know for what to me to battle... I do not know, why I speak that I do not want and I do what I do not want... But I know is still not the end... Unfortunately...
Forgive me, friends, that I have gone underground... I still love you...

LI 5.09.15